You Are ______

Have you ever been having a conversation with someone and you're just fed up? You want to scream at them. "You're just lazy!" Or "You're such a coward!" Sometimes you're so tempted to say, "You just keep screwing up. When are you going to grow up?" Maybe you want to really hurt them and tell them that the bad things in their lives are what they deserve.

It sounds awful but haven't we all had those moments? Those moments when as your temper rises and your mouth opens to spew the awful words that little voice in the back of your head warns you not to say it. It reminds you that once the words are out there you can't take them back. But the little devil on your shoulder is cheering you on, fanning the flames of your temper and you ignore that voice and say it anyways. And immediately the guilt begins to set in. But you don't take it back, you ignore it. You justify your words to yourself, reminding yourself of every bad thing they've done or hurtful thing they've said. You're in the right, you tell yourself, and this is what they need to hear.

When I was a kid we had a stupid little saying 'Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'. The other one was just as bad, 'I am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you'. There's absolutely no truth to those sayings. In fact I'd even go so far as to say that it's almost the opposite.

Words do hurt. We all know that. But words also make a difference. Every time you tell someone that they're a failure, that they're lazy, that they're not good enough, that they're unlovable or that they can never be forgiven you build up that image or characteristic in their minds. Before I go any further I want to point out that yes, people can overcome those constant refrains that are thrown at them. They can prove all of those assumptions wrong but most of the time they don't.

We all know we shouldn't say those things. Sometimes our temper gets the best of us. Sometimes the disappointment of cleaning up one more mess, or cleaning up this first mistake that's such a surprise because this is 'the good kid' is so shocking that those things just slip out. Either way, we know better; but I don't want to talk about what we shouldn't say. I want to talk about what we should.

Maybe you have a daughter that is just selfish. No other way to put it. She's just a spoiled little girl that thinks the whole word revolves around her. Instead of telling her that she's selfish tell her she's beautiful. Teach her that beauty comes from the inside and projects out. When you see her being kind don't say, "Why can't you be that way all the time?" Praise her for that moment. "You are so kind." Not "You are so kind today, what's up with that?" Reinforce that good quality and do that each and every time. That way your perspective will start to change and you'll see more of her good qualities and her behavior will start to change as she works to live up to those standards of praise you're already giving her.

Maybe you have a son who is lazy. Don't scream at him for never do anything, thank him for the things he does. "Oh I so appreciate your hard work," when he takes out the garbage or feeds the dog. "Thank you so much for your work ethic, that will really serve you well all your life," when he cleans up his room. Then stand back and see what changes begin to occur.

And yes, I know that children have to be corrected and disciplined, but that doesn't mean that you have to berate them or talk down to them. You can still be encouraging and use those moments to teach them and encourage them. It may just change the whole relationship you have with them. Don't worry though, you'll still mess up and when that happens go back to last week's post. You're not a failure. Recognize you made the mistake, learn from it and move on.

Say it's your spouse who drives you crazy. Focus on the good things you like about them. Talk those things up. Listen to them and spend time with them. Learn to care about the things they care about and see how your marriage is transformed.

Thank your coworkers, thank your boss, thank your pastor or your friends. Focus on the good qualities of those around you and speak into their lives. Be an encourager and see how you are encouraged through the process.