On this very special Mother's Day Weekend I asked my wonderful mom, Teresa Kirk, to write a post. She chose to talk about honoring parents from her unique perspective as as you read you'll understand why I asked her to write this today. Happy Mother's Day friends! Enjoy!
I wanted to share some thoughts I had on caring for your Mom (or elderly parents). I claim legitimate experience, as I cared for my In-Laws in the late 1990’s early 2000’s and have my parents with me now.
My Mother-in-Law had been dealing with a husband with Alzheimer’s disease; if you have a family member with this awful disease my heart aches for you. Nine days after Dad was hospitalized the phone rang around 1:30 a.m., it didn’t sound like anyone I knew, but the caller I.D. showed it was my mother-in-law. A quick trip next door indicated Mom had suffered a stroke; so she too was hospitalized. After just a short time in a nursing home, my father-in-law passed away. Knowing Mom would not survive the breast cancer she was fighting, we made the choice to bring her home, to her house in January. This meant moving our family of six into her three bedroom home – we squished and made it (one was gone for the school year, when she returned she joined her brother using the RV for a bedroom). We only had her until September of that year. Was it hard? Absolutely! Mom was unable to move by herself so each morning I transferred her from bed to wheelchair, helped her through her morning routine and then transferred her into a large recliner. We gave up things like meals around the table, because it was too hard for her to sit at the table. In caring for her, my children learned compassion, they learned patience (especially when Grandma wanted you to bring her cane to her so she could walk to the bathroom on her own – it was brought and propped just out of reach; or when she demanded they share their candy with her; or she needed a drinkher, they learned to do so); we had months of sharing her love of baseball, Perry Mason and Murder She Wrote; and months of saying our last good-byes. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat!
Fast forward to the past few years, my Mom (the one who taught me to cook) can no longer remember how to prepare a meal. My parents were a two hour drive away, so several times a year we made the drive to their place, sometimes with my sisters, sometimes alone, where I stocked their freezer with pre-made meals for them to thaw and cook. Last summer they moved in with my husband and myself. We chauffer them, cook for them, and generally try to make life a little easier on them. My Mom’s memory isn’t good, while my Dad’s hearing and eye sight are poor.
I believe this is the way God has led me to honor my parents (both mine and my husbands). It was modeled for me, by several family members. My Dad’s parents had my great-grandmother live with them when I was a teenager. While I cared for my in-laws, my parents helped with that grandmother, allowing her to remain in her own apartment by moving into one in the same building. My aunt drove into town almost daily to help care for her. Later my Mom’s sister had my other grandmother live with her for over a decade, before she came to my Mom for the last months of her life.
Is it wrong to place a family member in a skilled nursing facility? Absolutely not, there are times when it is the best option, both of my in-laws spent time in one. We did our best to have a family member with them daily. My aunt and mother did the same thing for my grandmother and I remember coming home from college to visit my great-grandmother in a home.
I am saddened by the comments I hear of people not having time for their parents or grandparents or even great-grandparents. Some are hard to be around but a phone call, once a week or better yet, daily, will cheer them. It doesn’t have to be long. Do you live a distance away? That phone call becomes even more important.
I challenge you to look for ways you can let your parents, grandparents or another special older person know how important they are. Moving them in with you – might not work for your family dynamics. I have a friend whose mother insisted that she would go to an assisted living facility when the time came; they are both happier with that choice.
A few suggestions for honoring the elderly: call them, visit them, take them to visit someone else. Take them out to eat (my husband’s grandmother was thrilled just to go to McDonald’s). Spoil them (take them their favorite cookies or candy – you might have to hide it from their care-giver*); take them grocery shopping – or ask if you can pick something up for them, buy them flowers (and not just for expected dates). Take them on a trip, take your children or grandchildren to visit – but you may need to keep it short – or take them to visit your grandchildren or their own; Listen to them.
Each situation is unique, so use your own personality to let them know how important they are.
It is a God given command to honor our mother and father but just so you know, there is benefit in it for you too. Not only will your children see what you have modeled, they will learn from the experience too.
*This ties to a family story of my grandmother being upset because my Granny always had candy (she had a sweet tooth) – that my Dad (and probably others) would slip to her when Grandma wasn’t looking. Years later my sister, ‘The Cookie Aunt’ would slip cookies to our Grandma when her daughter wasn’t looking – my cousin’s wife slips them to my Aunt too. The caregiver’s may not even care – but there’s just something exciting about thinking you’re being ‘naughty’!
